- Britt: You have two hours to live.
- Me: No! You can't hurt me!
- Britt: *throws punches*
- Me: No, I mean, you would miss me too much, and regret and guilt are two of the hardest things to live with. I don't want you to have to go through that... See, you'd hurt me and I'd still be thinking about your feelings.
- Britt: I read her like a book. She can't read me. I can read her.
- Me: What book?
- Britt: What?
- me: What's the name of it?
- Britt: ...Idk some two-page book. That's how easy she is to read.
This is a slide from one of my professors power points.
I’m so confused as to how this:
Teacher: Shannon, can you lead the warm ups today?
Rest of Class: Fuck you, Shann. I’m doing whatever the fuck I want.
This is why I don’t take on leadership positions. They’re pointless. Ain’t nobody trying to follow me. Don’t nobody give a fuck. And to make it worse, the one guy who probably made the only leadership experience I ever had an emotional nightmare showed up in my class today. He didn’t belong there! The sight of him upsets me and I just really wanted him to go away. I don’t like him. -_-
Done bitching now.
I cried. I was that disappointed in myself. And while I was crying, I told my friend that I cared more about her than I cared about myself; my well being was unimportant compared to hers. Being the person she is, I’m sure she took it as a compliment. But while she was there falling deeper in love with herself, I was on my bed, bawling, plunging deeper in hate with myself. I bet she didn’t even think about that. A couple of months later I began to experience my biggest emotional downfall and I feel like I’m still recovering from it today.
She did what she had to do to take care of me that night since she was more sober than I was. I’m not sure how much that moment matters now after everything I did for her and with her and I’m not sure why I’m thinking about it now. It’s been two years.
I went to my first staff meeting of the semester last night and of course, I was the only black girl. It’s OK, I expect that, no surprise there. But it kind of sucks because I don’t feel like I can relate to anyone else. They all talk about things I have no clue about and they always only talk to each other. I can’t jump into conversations I know nothing about. That’s awkward.
And there is always one person who says that one girl from Gilmore Girls is their inspiration for wanting to become a journalist and all the other girls agree and say they feel the same. I have never seen an episode of that show in my life! I don’t feel the the same! I can’t relate!
But you know what? I do know about Living Single and Khadijah James, who was the editor of her own magazine, and she is my inspiration for wanting to do the same. Yea, that’s what I know about. Find me someone who can relate to that.
My grampa sent me outside to KFC to buy him dinner. I don’t like KFC so I haven’t been there in years. I swear, my grampa said to get him some dry fry chicken. I have no idea what dry fry chicken is and quite frankly, he didn’t seem to know what he was asking me to buy him. I told him I would look around for signs or something.
I went to KFC and saw nothing about no dry fry chicken. So I just got the dood the original recipe. I come home and grampa asks me, “Did you get the crispy chicken?”
¬_¬ Like I said, I don’t go to KFC, but how did he get dry fry chicken from crispy chicken?
And now I feel bad, lol. He seemed kinda excited about getting some dry fry/crispy chicken.
I think I’m going to be like everyone else and come up with some sort of bucket list. It will be something that I will start and complete between January 1, 2013 and December 31, 2013. It won’t be a resolution list. I’m giving myself 365 days to finish it. I think I’ll start writing one up now. Or some time later later today, lol. I have until the end of the year to come up with at least five things to do.
Another holiday without my brother
One without my mom
No real (Caribbean) cooking/food
No presents for anyone (maybe one unopened one and some cards with money)
Not as much familial unity as I had hoped
Not a whole lot of happiness, but more than what I got two years ago
Now, I absolutely do not mind a Christmas without presents. I realized years ago that I am old enough to not expect material things on Christmas and that’s ok, but I can’t handle not being around everyone at this time of the year. I love my family. It’s kind of depressing without all of them.
My brother just told me he’s proud of me and when I asked him why he said because I get good grades, for living my life and for being happy…
And now I feel bad because he doesn’t know how truly unhappy I am and how unhappy I’ve been since I came home on Thursday.
My brother has this thing with telling me I look like Tom Hanks. -_-
Now Tom Hanks is a pretty good actor and I appreciate him as one, but I in no way look like him. I was watching The Polar Express tonight and I texted my brother letting him know that I can never watch a Tom Hanks movie without thinking about him telling me I look like Tom Hanks. Big mistake. I then received the following text messages.
Britt: From the side, you look like Tom Hanks.
Ellie: You like Tom Hanks.
Ellie: Sorry, you look like Tom Hanks.
-_- Tomorrow, when I see my brother, it will be me, him and a pillowcase filled with soda cans
My friend just told me that who I am is who I am meant to be. I’m going to sleep on that.
I mean, if just about everyone is OK with me, then why shouldn’t I be OK with me too, right?
- Mom: here is a list of all of our financial issues :D
- Mom: but please do me a favor and don't worry about anything. :D
- Me: ._. Ok.
I had a little date with myself. :) Just felt like being alone today. The presence of other humans made me uncomfortable, lol.
Anyway, I had myself a little pizza and some wings (gourmet microwaveable, of course), some bubbly drank (fruit punch and ginger ale), and a movie (some weird dramatic French thing on Netflix).
Finally I settled down with some comedy (a few episodes of Drawn Together) and some ice cream (strawberry cheesecake Ben & Jerry’s).
Honestly, I had a really good night. Alone. In my room. And the best part was that I chose to do this. Me, myself and I. I’ll spend time with people tomorrow.
I’m 21 but I still feel too young for everything. I’m not mentally ready for reality yet and I have always been afraid of this happening. Yikes.